by our Flat Earth correspondent Hugh Janus
Despite what we have known since Colombus failed to fall off, common sense, our eyesight and what scientists tell us with their pesky evidence and facts it has come to my attention that there is a growing movement on our spheroid planet that the earth is in fact flat. The group called The Flat Earth Society had at one point over 3500 members, or as we call them, idiots.
“Historical accounts and spoken history tell us the Land part may have been square, all in one mass at one time, then as now, the magnetic north being the Center. Vast cataclysmic events and shaking no doubt broke the land apart, divided the Land to be our present continents or islands as they exist today. One thing we know for sure about this world…the known inhabited world is Flat, Level, a Plain World.”- Charles K Johnson said in 1984 with a breathtaking disregard for sanity, knowledge and intelligence
Clearly in 1984 Mr Johnson was unaware of the existence of magical flying horseless carriages , or satellites, and was subsequently unable to take into account the new fangled daguerreotypes from these “satellites” showing the earth to be round as we could only see one side of it.Mr Johnsons PA in 1984 , a Mrs Annie Buddy-Home, said “clearly the pictures been Photoshopped (whatever that is) to scrub out the other countries that aren’t America that i can’t remember the names of”
The society also took the position in the 1960s that the Apollo Moon landings were a hoax staged by Hollywood as anyone can see with the naked eye that the moon is flat too and sometimes loses part of its own mass before reforming again. “We know the moon landings were faked as the golf balls would have rolled off the edge of the moon by now” said Flat Earther Candice B. Foreal
The most recent world model propagated by the Flat Earth Society holds that humanity lives on a disc, with the North Pole at its center and a 150-foot (45 m) high wall of ice at the outer edge.In this model, the sun and moon are each 32 miles (52 km) in diameter. Allegedly it likes to attack government agencies such as NASA (Not A Sphere Arsehole) who flew in the face of biblical explanations for the earths existence and form by flying around it
Sadly in the face overwhelming “scientific” evidence and public opinion that the Earth is a sphere, the term “flat-earther” has incredibly and unfairly become commonly used to refer to an individual who stubbornly adheres to discredited or outmoded ideas. “This is an unfair term of abuse that suggests we are the most stupid people on the whole flat earth, which is ridiculous when you look at the Darwin Awards and Twilight fans” said flat earther Dan Gleebitz
Membership of the society has fallen to an elite of around 20o members who are hoping this article will be a clarion call amongst the criminally illiterate and dangerously inept to rally around and join them rather than the splinter group in Canada (or Not America as it is known in the society). This Judean Peoples Front style splinter group have been putting forward theories of late such as a spheroid planet, these cranks as the society calls them reject all forms of superficial baseless evidence and have apparently been seen researching in books and on the internet on educational pages rather than on conspiracy pages.
Since 2004 the Flat Earth Society has been based around a web-based discussion forum which has been declared a False Flag by Alec A Woody at Info-Whores. though this claim may have a hidden agenda as he may be feeling his preeminent position as the pedlar of ill informed paranoia to professional retardery is threatened by the potential growth of the Flat Earth Society.
The last word in evidence of the tabular nature of the earth is probably best coming from the editor of Flat Earth News (the number one journal for all discerning cretinous blockheads). When asked what was underneath the earth, was it crust, mantle etc editor Faye Kinnit replied:-
Some headlines from Flat Earth News during the 1970s and early 1980s:
- “Whole World Deceived… Except the Very Elect” (Dec. 1977)
- “Australia Not Down Under” (May 1978)
- “Sun Is a Light 32 Miles Across” (Dec. 1978)
- “The Earth Has No Motion” (Jun. 1979)
- “Nikita Krushchev Father of NASA” (Mar. 1980)
- “Galileo Was a Liar” (Dec. 1980)
- “Science Insults Your Intelligence” (Sep. 1980)
- “World IS Flat, and That’s That” (Sep. 1980)
- “The Earth Is Not a Ball; Gravity Does Not Exist” (Mar. 1981)